No men please

Apparently men are heavier than women.  Did you know that ?  In many parts of the globe, that is probably true, but in India ?? Can you believe that Rajalakshmi, she of the considerable proportions, is inferior to Ramamritham, when it comes to the weight stakes ?? I somehow, seriously doubt that. But not, it appears GoAir, an India based airline.  This is the news from GoAir, that set off this post.

Cabin attendants, flight attendants, stew, whatever name you wish to call them, are predominantly women, everywhere in the world. It all started in the initial days of flying. A pretty young air hostess was part of the decor of the plane. Nervous travelers, usually pot bellied men, could relax by looking at a smiling pretty face. As the years went by, the pot bellied business traveler remained the same, at least pot belly wise, but the nervousness disappeared. The flight attendants meanwhile aged, and age discrimination laws in the US and Europe ensure that these days its a matronly woman giving you a geriatric smile. It is not the most pleasant of sights, unless you have a major mothering need. That's why every regular traveler instantly closes his eyes and goes to sleep on entering a plane - those that don't are just waiting for the booze to come before doing exactly the same. Asian airlines however still consider a pretty flight attendant as an important component of air travel - the Singapore girl continues to be, well, a Singapore girl.  The strong preference of this blogger for Asian airlines, should not go unmentioned.

GoAir, being a sensible Asian airline, wants to do exactly the same.  But then, it is extremely incorrect politically to say so. They have therefore announced that they would only recruit female flight attendants, because ( wait with bated breath)...... because women are less heavier than men and therefore they can reduce the total weight of the aircraft and achieve fuel savings !! Wow ! Double Wow !! That is the most ingenious explanation you can ever imagine. Not only has it flattered all Rajalakshmis, who will rise in defence of this move, but it has also cleared the way for the airline to recruit petite sweet young things.  Isn't that brilliant ?

Well, airlines have been known to do all sorts of things to reduce weight. ANA took the cake, by asking all passengers to pee before boarding, as a means of reducing total load on the aircraft. Ryan Air tried to achieve the same thing by thinking of charging passengers to go to the loo onboard - thereby forcing them to go to the loo before boarding. American airlines achieved this by abolishing all food on board and replacing them with peanuts. But GoAir is scaling new heights by trying to reduce the weight of its crew.

Perhaps they will now do some in depth research on the weight habits of Indian travelers. You see, the men are mostly those, who can only see their toes by looking at the mirror, because there is a significant protuberance that obstructs the natural line of sight. The women have a different problem - they can only walk down the airplane aisle sideways as, the width somewhat precludes a straight-faced progression. In such an environment, imagine the plight of a petite flight attendant. When the aircraft lands and she opens the doors, the onrushing melee will probably knock her off the plane altogether !

GoAir has probably scored a march over its competition. India's "national airline", Air India, believes that it should accurately portray a representative Rajalakshmi in its cabin crew - they are therefore, shall we charitably say, non petite. Kingfisher, which practiced the policy of all flight attendants being hired personally by the Chairman, could have probably beaten GoAir hollow - the Chairman's ability to spot the right talent in this matter being somewhat legendary. Unfortunately the airline went bust, pun unintended. So the field is ripe for GoAir.

This blogger is significantly underweight. He therefore intends to fly GoAir next time and ask for a weight discount. And while flying, he can appreciate, the petite cabin crew. Of if you prefer , as the verbatim technical specs the airline has put out says - cabin crew with a minimum height of five foot three inches and weight proportionate to the height !!

HELLO, HELLO, I have landed

There are some ideal moments to observe humanity. From a sidewalk cafe in the heart of Paris on a warm summers day. From the stands at Eden Gardens, or Anfield, or Madison Square Gardens - pick your sport. Or in an Indian train. Another such classic place is when an aeroplane lands. Regular readers of this blog are aware of this blogger's fixation with air travel and this piece will come as no surprise, especially after this and this.

As soon as the wheels touch the ground, humanity inside the plane wakes up and warms up. He may have been snoring just a moment ago, but he's wide awake now and is starting to limber up. The hand goes to the pocket and out comes the mobile phone. Its discreetly switched on and is sort of kept hidden between the legs, lest the pretty stew frowns on him and tells him to switch off. However the music on start up or the various pings rather give him away - such auditory masterpieces emanating close to an unfortunate part of the anatomy is brushed aside as an occupational hazard.

It has often been said that the definition of an instant in time is the time gap between the lights turning green and the idiot behind you honking. I submit that this is an erroneous definition. The real instant in time is when the aircraft wheels come to a stop and the action starts.

The jumping jack is the first to react. Beating all world records on speed of reaction, he reaches up to open the overhead locker to retrieve his bag. Displaying rare weightlifting talent, he hefts his bag in a wild swing designed to clobber competition..

The sprinter is equally quick to react. You see, he has deposited his bag at the other end of the aircraft as he was beaten to all the space when he first boarded the plane. Determined not to be outdone again, he pushes, shoves, crunches toes, lets elbows fly to reach his desired objective. Research has indicated that there is an overwhelming gender bias in the sprinter category - the female of the species seems to be more in number in displaying this characteristic.

The yeller is next. He has switched on his mobile phone. He then yells Hello Hello in about 1200 decibels. Only to ask the party a the other end "How are you" in the same 1300 decibels. And then disclosing the absolutely vital piece of information that he has landed.

The yeller is now being rapidly replaced by the thumb twitcher. This is the lot that switches on the dreaded Blackberry and needs to reply to E Mails. Having gone cold Turkey during the 2 hour flight and not being able to read or send emails, he is in the cold sweat of the junkie who hasn't had his fix. He makes it up with furious jabs of the right thumb, thereby increasing his chances of being afflicted with the modern day affliction of arthritis of the right thumb.

You may have noticed that the yeller seems to be a species dying out. The thumb twitchers are taking over. Conservationists are encouraged to come to the defence of the former species - Medha Patkar , Arundhati Roy, et al; please note.

Most are now standing in the aisle designed only to accommodate the impossibly svelte stew ( except in Air India where the aforementioned adjective is not in the lexicon). Impossible human contortions of the human body were earlier thought to be the exclusive preserve of the peak hour Mumbai local train - we can now affirm that this is not true. For about 7 minutes the airline traveler is standing with the head at 74 deg, the torso at 14 deg, with the arms at angles not yet invented and standing on one toe.

Deplaning now starts. Travelers can begin practice the art of the rugby scrum . Our resident kiwibloke can even contribute the Haka to bring in the mood. If its a double aisle aircraft, lane switching happens furiously. Either way, the proceedings closely resemble the goings on in an Indian road. Down the steps and then into a bus.

The bus journey is equally revealing as a study of human behaviour. Our corporate hero climbs the bus and stand squarely at the entrance. Others try to practice their rugby tackling skills. The sight of a business class worthie who has been pampered by caviar and champagne and endless smiles from the svelte stew, now clinging on to dear life by the bootstraps on a jampacked airline bus is rather interesting. Especially since he is likely to be a thumb twitcher and is trying to get more of his fix at the same time.

As they all stream out of the bus and stream in to the loo, its time to reflect on the glories and wonders of man !!!

A really dumb idea

It’s the end of the year and the holiday mood needs a light irreverent post. Its not a holiday around here, but since the rest of the world has caught holiday fever, we have “embraced” it as well.

Airlines are notorious for doing fairly dumb things – I think the rarified air in which they fly does some things to the brain cells. I had blogged about Ryanair’s idea of charging to use the toilets. But what All Nippon Airways (ANA) did in October takes the cake.

In October they ran an experiment. This was apparently an idea to reduce carbon emissions.

If you were to board an All Nippon Airways flight, this would be your experience.

As you queued up to board the flight, you would be met by a pleasant airline lady in uniform. Sayonara. Would you please go to the loo before you board the plane ? Its just over there. I’ll show you the way !!

In a brain dead piece of PR, ANA gave the following justification. The average human bladder capacity is apparently 15 oz. Apparently that totals to an extra weight of 63.7 kg (precisely calculated) for a planeload of 150 passengers. Carrying that extra weight means that much more CO2 emissions. ANA has estimated that it would save 5 tonnes of CO2 emissions per month by doing this. So this is a very green initiative and so must be tom tommed.

Can you even comprehend a company seriously trying something like this. ANA is not a tinpot airline. Its one of the top carriers in Asia and a global airline. And they go and do something as dumb as this.

Readers are invited to share their suggestions on how ANA could be even more green. We can then capsule this post with all the comments and send it to them.

Flights of fancy

Of all the markets in the markets in the world, one of the most nonsensically regulated is the air travel market. Countries are still clinging on to the antiquated notion that somehow national interests are involved in the aviation sector and “national airlines”, however dinosaur like they may be, must be propped up.

This post is prompted by the news that Germany has asked Emirates to raise its business class fares for flights out of Germany. Emirates, faced with big fines, has been forced to raise its rates by some 20%.

Airlines flying in and out of Germany are policed by the unfortunately named Federal Office for Goods Transport. This august body has written to Emirates saying it was “not allowed to engage in price leadership" on routes out of Germany to non-EU countries. Apparently it was acting under a law used in cases where "public transport interests are being permanently damaged". Apparently European carriers can indulge in “price leadership”. Only non EU airlines should not. Have you heard of the R word ?

Can you believe that such words are being mouthed in the 21st century . Its easy to see behind the fig leaf. Lufthansa has simply arm twisted the authorities to prevent Emirates from undercutting it.

The most closed of markets in the world is the airline market. Who can fly where is governed by complex inter government agreements. Slots at airports are jingoistically protected. All sorts of tariffs are levied. Sick airlines are state supported. It’s a complete mess.

The EU is frankly one of the most blatant of cartels that exists. The EU has no business lecturing anybody on free trade. It is supposed to be the largest economy on earth, larger than the US. But then its not a nation – its just a cartel. And look at what it has done today. Supposedly democratic, it has taken a leaf straight out of Stalin’s notebook. Behind closed doors, some 20 odd people, in classic skulduggery, have chosen Herman van Rompuy as its President. Herman who ??

In the middle of it all is the poor consumer. Although you could argue that by definition an airline customer is not poor. But that’s no excuse for governments to conspire to screw him. Free the airline market around the world. And hey presto – fares will fall AND customer experience will improve. Heard of free trade and competition Mr van Rompuy?

An ode to Pan Am

The words "appalling" and "airlines" are synonymous in the language (allegedly English) spoken in the US of A. It wasn't that way some time ago. Pan Am was synonymous with "wonderful", as long as it flew. It was THE airline in the US. Unfortunately it went bankrupt in 1991. But the brand is still powerful amongst a certain generation (not comprising readers of this blog !). Those with a taste for nostalgia, which prompted this post, click here .

No amount of vitriol can be considered excessive when it comes to US airlines. All of them are uniformly awful. Extreme masochism can be the only excuse for condemning somebody to a flight on an American airline. The worst airports in the world are all in the US. From the moment you enter to check in, to the time you get out at your destination, it is pure torture. Inside the US, you have no choice but to reconcile to extreme pain, but it beats me as to why anybody flies long haul in an US airline when other options exist. To read an eminent American's surprise that airlines can actually be pleasant elsewhere in the world, click here .

Pan Am wasn't like that. It could compete with the best in the world.  If you were to go the US, you chose Pan Am. Unfortunately 270 people chose Pan Am on that fateful flight in 1988 which was bombed over Lockerbie - a blow from which the airline itself never recovered. Its decline had started much earlier with the oil price shocks and increasing competition, but that terrorist act was a body blow. It shut shop in 1991, ending a glorious chapter in US aviation. Only to unleash the monsters that inhabit the US skies now.

I have no idea who owns the brand rights to Pan Am, but certainly to an older generation, it represents civilised flying. How about an entrepreneur reinventing the airline and launching a decent flying option in the US.  Standards have fallen so low there, that there surely must be a segment which is willing to pay higher prices to travel in a humane manner. Now, that's a thought. Any takers ? Maybe the thoughtful train can morph into a thoughtful plane ?

PS - I have just got down from a plane. One of the finest airlines in the world, in one of the finest airports in the world. I am thanking my stars,  that its a million miles away from the country where "terrorists" rule the sky.

Whoever flies first class ?

One of the undisputed pleasures in life is when you enter an aircraft and turn left instead of right.

For all of us not privileged to be in that position, we can console ourselves that only an idiot would fly first class these days.

Its obscenely expensive. HORRENDOUSLY so. And what do you get for it ?

- A flat bed, which is now pretty much standard in business
- The oldest stew in the crew on the grounds that the seniormost serves First Class. The prettiest ones can meanwhile be found in business.
- Some unpronounceable wine. Alright that might be a real goodie. I don't know. Le embrouille blogueur might !
- Same average food - served on nice cutlery.
- A nightsuit that you can change into to sleep,that looks a bit like the stuff you buy at the end of Commercial Street / Ranganathan Street / Shangxiajie lu
- A toileteries kit that's no different from business and increasingly looking like the stuff the state barber uses on the roadside.

Thats it. For this privilege you pay some twenty times the cost of an economy ticket. And some four times business.

Now who does this, I wonder. The seriously rich don't fly commercial at all - they have their own jets. So who is this guy who can afford to fly this way ? Sure his company is paying for him, but isn't somebody axing this perk ?

Actually why am I writing this post. What business is it of anybody, who flies how ? Why grudge the guy who's living it up ? Good luck to you mate !!

A post like this is an occupational hazard of writing from an airport lounge ; which is what I am doing !! I just saw a family of three enter a plane and turn left ....

A pat on the back for Air India !

I had some superb experiences with Air India - the erstwhile Indian Airlines part of it - during my recent trip to India. Readers of this blog would remember that I have been scathing in criticizing Air India here. But praise must be given where its due. So here goes.

I flew Air India on two extremely short haul domestic sectors last week. Had a brilliant experience on both flights.

Fares were the lowest amongst all airlines flying that sector. Check in took 2 minutes. Both flights were far from full; so had empty seats next to me. The aircraft on this route was one used for international sectors – spotlessly clean, brightly coloured seats with individual TV screens even in economy. Both flights took off 15 minutes before time (now that’s a first. I have never ever experienced flights departing before time). The cabin crew were smartly dressed and very courteous. Even on the very short haul, there were nice snacks. Courteous enquiries as to whether they could get anything else. The smiles were genuine. Smooth flights with not a single bump. The planes landed like a feather. 15 minutes early of course. Disembarking was fluid and quick. Baggage came in 5 minutes.

Not an once off experience, but twice.

Well done Air India. It just shows, you can run a world class airline when you want to. Forget bailouts. Forget sops. If you run flights like this, you’ll beat anybody.


BTW - I'm back into the waiting arms of the Net Nanny. Back to the pain of dodging this invisible monster. Hopefully more regular posts from now on.